Today I thought about writing a more significant and meaningful post. I've thought long and hard about this topic because this is the first time I'm telling these things to anyone. This is a personal and honest post.
Anxiety. Honestly, when I first heard of people having anxiety I thought "oh she's just being dramatic"... But I have definitely changed my opinion about this over the past year or so. I started having shortness of breath in stressful situations and my heart started beating as fast as if I had just ran a marathon.
I've always been an anxious person (I guess it runs in the family) but this past year, I feel like it got worst. Family issues were rising to the surface, which caused my anxiety to increase. Then, I became so anxious, it started affecting my confidence and so it started to affect my grades at school. My anxiety sky rocketed through the roof! My entire life was upside down. I felt like all the decisions and plans I had made, were disappearing right before my eyes.
In my eyes, everything was falling apart. At home, at school, with friends.
University was approaching and I felt like I wasn't quite ready to go. My parents agreed as they knew I needed to become less anxious and have a break from all this. Even my biology teacher noticed that anxiety was taking over me and gave me the best advice and helped me though everything. She told me and wrote down on my graduation ribbon that she had faith in me and she believed in my abilities. Let's just say at that moment, "
something many things got into my eyes"... She knew my confidence was shaken.
I postponed one of my chemistry exams (so instead of doing it in June, I did in November), therefor postponing university as well.
Staying 1 year behind, is allowing me to control my anxiety and take a break from one stressful situation to the next. It was one of the best decisions I had ever made. School is now done with (thank god) but until recently I was having issues at home and some of my own.
Not being able to tell my friends about this has also contributed to my anxiety issues. I'm not really a person to talk about my feelings (who would've thought right?) and I hate being a downer. Adowner. That's how I feel when I thinking about 'bothering' my friends about my own issues. I still have this opinion, don't get me wrong. So I started blowing off my friends when they were visiting, because I honestly wasn't in the right head space to be happy and cheerful.
Except, last week, one of my best friends (who is currently at uni in the UK) texted me, because he noticed I was different and was upset because he thought it was something he had done.
I burst into tears. It was not my intention to hurt anyone's feelings! I was trying to do the complete opposite. All my friends have been really excited and happy about uni and I didn't want to bring their spirits down. I was also avoiding meeting up because I knew I would break down. And I don't do this. Ever. I'd rather pretend I'm happy, but I wasn't able to.
I told him it was me (it's almost like one of those "it's not you, it's me" kind of situation) and that I would explain when he came for a visit. I feel like, he's my best friend, I've known him for over 15 years, if I can't talk to him about this, who else can I talk to?
I feel like it's now or never, that I talk to someone about this and other personal things. The last time I had this feeling, I went to Lisbon to talk to my two other best friends, but they were busy and I didn't want to disturb so I left it at that...
But now I'm starting to understand that there's nothing wrong with being anxious. I feel like everyone is anxious at some point, but some people have it worst than others. I'm honestly quite excited to meet up with my best friend and talk to him about all this. It's the first time I've ever told anyone about this so I'm quite nervous too. How to start?
Right now, I'm at a point in my life where everything's turning around and that there are only good things at the horizon. My life it starting to transform into what once was! And I guess that's what you have to think about if you also have anxiety. It might seem bad now, but it'll only get better from now on.
I regret not have talked to my friends earlier. I would've felt so much better, and so would they.
Hope this post helped you in any way possible. It definetely helped me. I guess getting it out, made me feel... Lighter.
Ps: I got really emotional writing this post for some reason...
Stay dorky and weird.
Xoxo Jessy ♥